Pirate Crab Facts

Here we record, for posterity, the fruit of the rash promise Will made on the internet for all to see. May it be a monument for the future, to remind him that the crew of The Longship are absolute terrors, and that we will always go above and beyond what he expects of us.

An Incomplete Record of Pirate Crab Facts By: William Overgard


 * 1) She has two peg legs because she is not a mermaid. This is pirate science
 * 2) The crabs name is not Frank, or Shelly, but Hedgewaldo
 * 3) Every undead crab has a different hobby and they all involve claws
 * 4) You don't actually have to be undead to earn the title of Vampire Pirate Captain, but you do have to do the pirate voice
 * 5) Saltspire the pirate was originally born with a mermaid-like tail. Now they have two peg legs. The legs are also made of sharks.
 * 6) No Vampire Lord has ever referred to their behind as 'a pirates booty' but half of them wish someone would
 * 7) Dual peg legs work incredibly well on ice and slippery floors, but are a disadvantage during DDR
 * 8) Eat the rich, drain the slain' is the vampire crews battlecry because despite the masses of gold they acquire, it is spent even quicker than that
 * 9) Crabs can communicate telepathically. They use this power mostly to complain about lobsters
 * 10) Undead parrots are actually more talkative, not less talkative. There is no magical or scientific reason for this
 * 11) The only hard-and-fast dresscode rule in the Vampire Pirate fleet is 'no plad'
 * 12) A 'ration of rum' as a measurement equates to how much rum a person can down in a single breath. This number is very high for the undead. Very high indeed.
 * 13) A cutlass can ether refer to a particular type of post-cavalry saber or a lass with a bloody good sword arm
 * 14) Every pirate in the fleet has a hat, including the crabs, but some of the hats are just really small
 * 15) Davey Jones locker is surprisingly spacious
 * 16) The first person to mount musket-packing zombies to campfire bats was called Derrick
 * 17) It's not actually written 'pieces of eight' but 'pieces of ate' on account of all the high elves consumed in the process of acquiring said gold
 * 18) The term 'Pirate' comes from 'Privateer'. The term 'Crab' comes from 'OH SHIT THAT GIANT SHELL THING WILL KILL ME GET TO THE CRAB-"
 * 19) Every mechanical crab is a pirate crab
 * 20) "Karma has a twitter account"
 * 21) Every pirate flag starts off pure white
 * 22) The only thing worse than hooks for hands, is hooks for kidneys
 * 23) The fleet has multiple ghost ships, ranging from small to massive grand gallon. They are all completely useless in a fight
 * 24) Inside ever normal boring person, is a skeleton pirate waiting to raid
 * 25) 'YARRRRR' and 'ARRRRRRR' have very different connotations depending on the situation
 * 26) CANNONS WILL BE FIRED CONTINUOUSLY UNTIL MORAL IMPROVES
 * 27) A pirates favorite letter is nether 'R' or 'C', but in fact a letter from home. Possibly with five quid in for a pint
 * 28) THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH RUM BUT ONE CAN ALWAYS TRY
 * 29) Plundering as a vampire isn't about the answer, its about the journey. Remember: you're a pirate not a why-rate.
 * 30) Blood is indeed thicker than water, but is not improved by adding Bisto
 * 31) Every hat can be a pirate fact with enough additional feathers
 * 32) Crab cavalry is better than horse cavalry in every way inducing style, combat power, ability to move sideways and taste
 * 33) The average number of eyes per crew-member is 3.
 * 34) There are twice as many crabs as rats on the vampire pirate vessels. The rats live in fear...
 * 35) The winds of magic _directly_ effect the severity of a hangover
 * 36) SCREAMS IN CRAB*
 * 37) Every undead crab actually has a smaller sail and can act as a (un)life boat at the drop of a hat
 * 38) Undead don't eat hardtack. Zombies don't eat hardtack. Monster crabs do not eat hardtack. Humans also do not eat hardtack, so no Susan, no one wants your leftover STALE ASS DEATH CRACKER
 * 39) The undead god was renamed cuddles
 * 40) Frontline crab Kevin McShellsalot has actually written a young adult fiction series under the pen-name Sheldon Sealord
 * 41) If horses had claws they might be as good as crabs on the battlefield. As it stands, they do not and certainly should not
 * 42) A cutlass may ether refer to a type of sword or a fem-presenting pirate who will FUCKIN' YOU MATE, SHE'S NOT MESSING AROUND
 * 43) Crab Rangoon is not a threat, it's a promise
 * 44) I am entirely too sober for this
 * 45) The term 'three sheets to the wind' is entirely made up. This is lobster based propaganda which no true pirate would believe
 * 46) Anyone who is awake before noon is clearly an enemy spy or sleeper agent
 * 47) A wizard arrives exactly when they mean to. A pirate arrives at the exact moment you wish they wouldn't
 * 48) Pirates are hella queer. This isn't a comedy fact, this is actual history
 * 49) All crabs, vampire or otherwise, do not have as many claws as they want
 * 50) Alnessa Saltspire's middle name is actually the soft bubbling sound crabs make. The spelling is tricky
 * 51) Crabs have 16 different ways to cry, 8 of which can only be done underwater
 * 52) Lobsters are just crabs with privilege
 * 53) While Vampire Lords do drink blood, their own blood is actually made of millions of tiny shellfish
 * 54) Undead Pirates also receive a Rum Ration, but this is for preservation purposes (from Alness)
 * 55) Most pirate zombie crabs cannot swim. However, it doesn't actually matter for them
 * 56) It is sadly impossible for an undead zombie to be a submariner
 * 57) It is also impossible for an oyster to become undead. It is not discrimination, it's just highly unlikely